There are moments in your life that you can look back on.  These little slivers of light and you know, you just know, that those were the best of times.  Once the honeymoon period shifts it is human nature to constantly pursue that idyllic moment that is full of electricity, harmony and love.  

Our family had that.  Kat, Bella, Ian and I.  Together, the four of us.  We were an unstoppable fire.  There was so much laughter, dreaming and becoming in our house.  It’s hard to explain just how good it felt to be a part of something so beautiful.  How proud we all were of what each of us brought into that little rental house on Redmond Ridge. 

When Ian died, the protective safe bubble we created together was shattered.  This year on May 8th , and 3 years after his suicide I stood in our bathroom crying and asked Kat “What if the best of our lives already was?  She simply answered “Yes, but I’m so grateful for the chance to have lived it.”

The past three years have been heavier than I have ever imagined it would be, looking back I know I told myself I didn’t know if I could do this without him.  The task of just taking my next breath with him gone was unimaginable. Today I choose the next breath, the next becoming, and harvesting dreams that feel big and scary. And dare I say electric? 

Here’s a few things I am leaning into today. I’m still not ready to draw a line in the sand and stake my claim on who I am now.  No one came to save me or make me whole again. I’m doing this work all on my fucking own.  I know that I will carry a piece of Ian into every room I walk into. I won’t ask for permission to create space for him in conversation. I hold this loss out for anyone who to see and feel. And in turn, I invite you to share the best of you, with me.

And so what if your best already was? If the honeymoon was had, the light’s a little dimmer now…will you be so caught up in the pursuit of what was, only not to recognize what is?

You lived it, you had it, you are blessed with it.  Share it, tears and all.  Suffering does not destroy life, it refines it.

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